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THE 18 CARDINAL RULES OF DRIVING IN PHILLY
1.
A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people
can
cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane
waiting
for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting
construction
barrels. Bonus points are awarded for getting out of your car
and
moving the barrels.
2.
Turn signals provide clues as to your next move in the road battle, so
never
use them.
3.
Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and
the
car in front of you, no matter how fast you're going. If you do,
the
space
will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more
dangerous
situation.
4.
The faster you drive through a red light, the less your chance of
getting
hit.
5.
The car with the most extensive body work automatically has the right of
way
(remember no-fault insurance - he might not have as much to lose as you
do).
6.
Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible, to insure that your
anti
lock braking system kicks in; this will give you a nice, relaxing
foot
massage
as the brake pedal pulsates.
7.
Construction signs are carefully positioned to tell you about road
closures
immediately after you pass the last opportunity to exit, but just
before
the traffic begins to back up.
8.
The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide
useful
information, but just to tell time and make Philly look progressive.
9.
Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way
to
scare people entering the highway. Passing on the shoulder is
encouraged
- that's why they're paved.
10.
Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make Philly look as if it conforms
with
other state policies; these are intended only as suggestions and are
actually
unenforceable.
11.
Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or
move
over doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you
doesn't
think he can go faster in your spot.
12.
Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during
rush
hour traffic on the Schuykill or anywhere downtown.
13.
Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even a
person
changing a tire. If you're lucky, you may see the unlucky breakdown
victim
get mugged.
14.
Learn to swerve abruptly. Downtown Philly is the home of very high speed
slalom
driving, thanks to PENNDOT, who put potholes in key locations to test
drivers'
reflexes and keep them on their toes. Parts of truck tires are left
on
new highways (where potholes haven't yet been established) for the same
purpose.
15.
It is considered correct in Philly to honk your horn at cars that don't
move
the instant the light changes. Our city is founded upon such
traditions.
16.
Seeking eye contact with another driver automatically revokes your right
of
way.
17. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to New Jersey.
18.
It's OK to back up along the shoulder of the road if you missed your
exit,
particularly if it is the Schuykill or I95. This gives the other
drivers
a more challenging "moving target" rather than those stationary
barrels.
Top 22 Signs That Show You Are from Philadelphia
22. You Hate Dallas
21. You realize that your favorite dessert is "wooder ice" (it comes in churry, strawburry and other assawrded flaverz).
20. You find yourself using "Yo" and "youse guys" when talking long-distance to your family members.
19. You know how to spell Schuylkill.
18. You pronounce ACME as "ACK - A - ME.
17. You think $2,500 a year for insurance on a 1977 Toyota Corolla is a bargain.
16. You find yourself at a nice restaurant thinking, "I wonder if they have cheese steaks?"
15. You can sleep soundly through gunfire and ambulance sirens.
14. You visit New York City and are impressed by how clean it is.
13. You believe the car on your left, with turn signal flashing and the driver pointing at your lane, wants you to close the gap with the car in front of you.
12. You can't eat french fries without Cheez Whiz.
11. Street people greet you by your first name.
10. You don't think Wawa sounds funny.
9. You snub a cheese steak that isn't on an Amoroso roll.
8. Your parents, brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles all live on the same block.
7. You know who Jim O'Brien is and how he died.
6. You can't imagine breakfast without scrapple.
5. You're still not sure about Jerry Penacolli.
4. A vacation down the Jersey shore (pronounced "shoore") is better than going to an island (there's more stuff to do, plus you know everybody).
3. You know where to find the Rocky statue.
2. You know only tourists go to Geno's, Pat's and Jim's for authentic cheese steaks. You go only if you're drunk and it's 3:00 a.m.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM PHILLY
1. You buy a soft pretzel at a traffic light without wondering where the guy goes to wash his hands and you don't even care!